Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
