I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
