What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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