I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
