Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
