i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Less talking, more tequila
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
