The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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