Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
