I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
