you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize