So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I am naked and annoyed.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
