ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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