I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
