You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
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