so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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