the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
