I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
