just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
how drunk are you?
Several
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
