I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
