you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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