I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
