I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
