The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It's rum buckets o'clock
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
