I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
