All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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