In the future we'll all be gay
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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