Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
