I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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