You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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