I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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