Im at strip club and am horny
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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