Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize