went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
