What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You ate ashes out of my bong
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
