I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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