I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
