what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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