i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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