I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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