Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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