onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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