If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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