if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize