I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
