She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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