I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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