Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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