He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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