im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
