I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
