New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
