o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
This is the high leading the old right now
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
