How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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