Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
