her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
