is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
