This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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