apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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