My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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