The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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