Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
