Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
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