chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
