mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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