there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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