There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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