Pregnant stripper...not hot.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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