Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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