I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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